Unlike a well which securely promises a clear drop to the bottom to any who carelessly tread, the Slimy Pit cleverly disguises its descents so that its victims fall captive to its realms slowly, unaware of the dangers to which they succumb.
Somewhere along my journey, I wrote the following words to try and express the depth and the direction I saw my path leading me...a path to the Slimy Pit that began with the Reality of Pain.
Pain Interrupts - plans. thoughts. hopes. beliefs.
Pain Disrupts - strength. Peace. Happiness. focus. rest. purpose. passion. FREEDOM. quiet. Breath. HOPE.
Pain Brings - Weakness.
Weakness Causes - dependency. insecurity. FEAR. waiting. loneliness. ISOLATION. Loss.
Loss Births - longing. sadness. resentment. hurt. ABSOLUTES. questions. PAIN (see above).
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| "I like to call this one "Life & Death" |
All of this so overwhelms your daily existence, that seeking God becomes
life & death for your faith.
"This either works or it doesn't. He's real or He's not.
He cares or He doesn't."
(absolutes.)
Pain...Weakness...Loss...if left unchallenged by FAITH, will spiral the soul into a pit.
Pain Steals - Hope. Future. Desire. Purpose. Mind. Thoughts.
Pain Distorts. Despair. Terror. Desperation. Anger. Resentment.
Weakness Transforms. Victim. Forgotten. Multiplies...more weakness. Atrophy.
Loss without Faith brings Suffering. Withdrawal. no vision. Bitterness. pity. More loss at your own hand. grief. prison.
All these many years later, and it still pains me to re-write that journal entry. Pain changed me and weighs heavy on my perspective of life's ups and downs. All of life's woes must now measure against the depth of misery once lived. Likewise, and a gift born out of loss, all of life's joys become triumphs...a celebration in light of the former days of sorrow.
My path through the mire of pain, weakness and loss challenged my faith constantly and demanded a close inspection of what I held dear and True.
Initially, through at least 3 cycles of relapse and remission, I wrestled with the seeming dichotomy between the understanding that Jesus heals and the reality that I was losing serious ground with this disease.
For some reason, God was not doing everything I fully believed and expected Him to do.
Confused, hurt and afraid, I faced my faith with new eyes.
I reached a low point. In all sincerity, it flat-out-hurt to pray for healing anymore. I KNEW He could heal me if He chose...so why didn't He? A nagging uneasiness that this was all about timing crept over me. I simply had to wait.
Equally humbling was the new identity with which this disease shrouded me. Words like 'handicapped' (this was almost 20 years ago so that word was still ok) and 'disabled'...hung over me like a rain cloud.
In my immaturity, I resented all attempts by loving people to help me or even to encourage me. I just wanted my old life back...my former glory...when people used to look me in the eye and didn't fumble around me for words or to awkwardly offer help whenever I struggled with mundane tasks.
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| "Mr. Wonderful caught this view of a foggy sunrise." |
I cried...I wept myself numb.
I resolved. I failed.
I turned inward.
I wrapped myself in my grief and turned inward still.
I suffered.
I realized...I fell.
The Slimy Pit.
In hindsight...
I see that my experiences with the Slimy Pit proved exceedingly shallow and short-lived when compared to others' journeys. I am forever grateful to those precious saints in my life who prayed me through, loved and encouraged me and challenged me to stay the course of Faith and to 'count it all joy.'
I still believe a complete healing awaits me and I so desire all of you to have a front row seat!
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