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| God NEVER sees our trials from this perspective. |
During this same season of solitude, when God met me, I continued to struggle with good days and bad. Through many tears, my epiphany came. I realized that I lacked the strength in my own character to hope any longer. I reached the mortal limits of my ability to imagine relief for my suffering. Hope stood torn between two aggressors; Dry barrenness mocked my prayers while floods of grief clouded my worship. Yet His Faithfulness never left me.
However, His Faithfulness, present with me, magnified my lack of an intimate understanding of His character. I craved to experience His Love, Peace, Strength, Glory...anything that would describe Him in tangible, life-changing ways.
This revelation of the many facets of His Awesome Character became my reference point. Whatever I endured, I sought to know Him. I GAINED HIM...oh so much more than physical comfort!
Here's what I wrote in my journal during this time of both weariness and refreshing:
"I had an overwhelming sense of need that God transformed
into an overwhelming sense of gratitude as He proved Himself again and again."
[Please bear with me. I find the finite nature of pain much easier to retell than the 'surpassing greatness of knowing Him.' (Philippians 3:8) As I stare at the blinking cursor here, I struggle for the right words to capture the essence of all He has been and done for me.]
Somewhere during this journey, Jesus graciously helped me hope beyond my own ability. This naturally positive, optimistic, high-energy girl, somehow fell into waters too deep to tread alone. Precious saints prayed me through, and He honored my honest admission that I needed Him to do everything. I had nothing left to offer. In fact, I never had anything to give that He didn't first supply.
Over the course of days, weeks, months and years, the Lord has continued to renew my hope with glimpses of His Character.
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| View of the Niagara Rapids |
His Strength: Shortly after college, we visited Niagara Falls. Determined not to miss a thing, I submitted to a wheel-chair. As we crossed the Niagara River,
I bristled at the overwhelming power of the river as it crashed and roared all around us. Seated in the wheelchair, the current stared me down at near eye level. I opted to stand on the bridge to relieve this anxious feeling.
Weeks later, during a time of worship, I recalled the event with spiritual eyes. The Lord showed me the Great, Rushing River as His Mighty Strength and Power. I imagined myself again in that wheelchair, stranded on that bridge. As if viewing from high above, I saw the puny limitations of the disease that bound me. God gave me such a life-changing perspective of His Strength versus my mountain. At His command and without challenge, the breakers of His waves can violently sweep away any danger I face.
My faith will never be the same.
His Joy: This encounter with Jesus may seem childishly trivial to some of you...in many ways, I too recall this memory with the same judgment. Yet, Christ did beckon us to approach Him as a child...
Some time after the Niagara trip...maybe months...I enjoyed an evening at home alone in worship. On the road to recovery, my times of solitude grew fewer as my strength slowly returned. Yet, in my stubbornness to delay medical treatment, I had paid dearly. I lost significant strength in my legs. Not only did I fall constantly, and without much grace I might add, but I struggled tremendously to stand from a seated position. Pregnant women sprinted to their feet in comparison to my clumsy dance of arms and legs rocking back and forth, trying to gain enough power to defy gravity and rise from that comfy couch I knew better than to sink into!
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| Joyful, Childish Freedom |
I stood up!!! Normally!!!
So, I did what anyone would do. I shrieked and repeated the event, shrieked and repeated, shrieked and repeated, etc. So overcome with His presence and a divine rush of joy, I turned on a lively worship cd and danced and hopped all over the house...also a glorious miracle. I sang and shouted every praise I could think of. The weeping began and I spent the evening worshiping and laughing with Him.
Oh the freedom, the tremendous release of liberty in His Joy...
I will never be the same.
His Peace: Just over three years ago, our family endured a season of heartache and uncertainty. Fully confident of God's providence and purposes in the midst of our trial, I never doubted the security of our future and hope. In this hardship, I wrestled more with matters of the heart. Anger and unforgiveness, like unwelcomed guests, seemed to weasel into my thoughts, my conversations and even my prayers. They plagued my mind constantly, forcing me to fight back with every weapon I had. Bitterness pushed on the door to my heart, and with all my strength I pushed back to keep that door closed.
I am not exaggerating. In that moment, I began to sing this simple song. He just downloaded it into my spirit and with it He filled me with His peace. [I wish I could give you the melody as well...It is so sweet.]
This song came straight from Jesus to me, and it calmed my internal storm immediately.
With the same hush of a rainbow that whispers His promise, He comforted me deeply every time I sang this song in the months to come, until the storm finally passed.
I still sing it whenever I feel stressed, worried, frustrated, vulnerable...weak. His Peace gives me hope and I will never be the same.
I'll close this post with a scripture. My journal wears this passage repeatedly like a beacon for dark and uncertain days. I have posted this verse throughout my home, carried it in my purse, and shared it with friends and family in times of crisis. He has often answered my honest cry for help with these eternal words.
P.S. Not sure what to title my next post. Working on it already...Praying for you as you read this!
Blessings!
I will never be the same.
His Peace: Just over three years ago, our family endured a season of heartache and uncertainty. Fully confident of God's providence and purposes in the midst of our trial, I never doubted the security of our future and hope. In this hardship, I wrestled more with matters of the heart. Anger and unforgiveness, like unwelcomed guests, seemed to weasel into my thoughts, my conversations and even my prayers. They plagued my mind constantly, forcing me to fight back with every weapon I had. Bitterness pushed on the door to my heart, and with all my strength I pushed back to keep that door closed.
Weeks turned into months. The trial remained. God provided. Breakthrough, however, waited. I did not want to entertain strife, but I lacked the character in myself to shut the mouth of the Accuser who constantly reminded me that my grievances were justified. One evening in prayer, I simply said,
"Lord, I need your peace. Give me Your peace to quiet these voices."
I am not exaggerating. In that moment, I began to sing this simple song. He just downloaded it into my spirit and with it He filled me with His peace. [I wish I could give you the melody as well...It is so sweet.]
Your time
In Your way
I can wait and trust and pray
I will worship You today
And I'll say...
Your time
In Your way
I'm seeking first Your kingdom come
Until Your will be done
And I'll say...
(Go back to the beginning...repeat as long as you need.)
This song came straight from Jesus to me, and it calmed my internal storm immediately.
With the same hush of a rainbow that whispers His promise, He comforted me deeply every time I sang this song in the months to come, until the storm finally passed.
I still sing it whenever I feel stressed, worried, frustrated, vulnerable...weak. His Peace gives me hope and I will never be the same.
I'll close this post with a scripture. My journal wears this passage repeatedly like a beacon for dark and uncertain days. I have posted this verse throughout my home, carried it in my purse, and shared it with friends and family in times of crisis. He has often answered my honest cry for help with these eternal words.
- Isaiah 41:9-10
P.S. Not sure what to title my next post. Working on it already...Praying for you as you read this!
Blessings!
